A Cliff side Conversation
by Q'ling Pa
Summary: Ares gets side tracked by Xena and Methos helps keep him here. A bit of silly fluff


Here's a little ode to the second cutest character on the telle, Ares played by Kevin Smith. I usually don't watch Xena but I had to watch the season opener. This one's not as great as The Portrait (I hate those one hit wonders), but it might put a simile on your face =). 

A Cliff side Conversation 

"Women", Ares said, shaking his bowed down head as he sat idly on a rocky bluff.   
"Men", followed a dark haired stranger who presumptuously plopped down beside him.   
"You know, you can spend all your life happily pursuing self interest and debauchery with no remorse or concern only to have your whole world view shaken completely by the sinister power of one woman. She just sneaks up on you, when your defenses are down, and the next thing you know you're vowing to cut of your right arm if she would just honor you with a kiss. What is wrong with me? How could I let such a manipulative, back stabbing, contentious wrench twist me around like I was a lump of clay on her potter's wheel?"   
Methos nodded his head in understanding. "For the same reason that I entombed a selfish, egomaniacal, psychopath in a damp old mining shaft where he'll probably be trapped for a good hundred years. You woke up one day, looked down at your reflection in a lake and realized just what exactly you wanted in life."   
Ares looked at Methos with a bewildered expression, "What are you taking about? I didn't WANT this! (he points to himself). I am a total mess because of her; I gave up all my power, I gave up all my positions, I became mortal for that hussy and she STILL turned me down. What kind of masochist do you think am I?"   
"Aw, that's nothing. You were going to lose your godhood anyway. Its time for a new set of idols to capture the people's hearts. At least this way you've scored some major points with this chick. Maybe she'll come around."   
"Wait a minute! Who are you anyway and why do you think you know so much about me?"   
"Ares, I'm OLDER than you. In fact, I'm older than Zeus. The only God I'm not older than is the Hebrews' God and I try to stay out of his way. That one's not going anywhere. But the rest of you, you guys phase in and out like women's fashion. But don't be alarmed. If you wait a couple of centuries you might turn up again."   
Ares stared dumbfoundly at his companion. "Just what makes you think your older than me pip squeak? I may not have god powers anymore but I can still knock you out until tomorrow."   
"What did the territory called Sparta look like, oh say, two thousand years ago?"   
"Humph, I don't know. Maybe just a beat up trader's town?"   
"I rest my case."   
"What?!!"   
"Let's get back to your, uhm shall we say, situation. So you love this woman?"   
"Head over heels, infatuated, smitten and down right enamored."   
"But she doesn't feel the same way?"   
"A part of her does. But I scare her. And, for good cause. She said I was bad for her."   
"Well, the key to a beloved's heart is paved with good deeds."   
"Good deeds? Do you have any idea who you are taking to here?"   
"Okay Ares. Tell me this, would you two be able to have a civil, even an amiable conversation before you sacrificed your godhood for her?"   
"Well, no."   
"And would she have even hinted that there was some interest in you if you were still out and about plundering and raping the innocent?"   
"Well, no."   
"I rest my case."   
"So I just have to be a goodie goodie two shoes to win her love? Man, that's sick!"   
Methos sighed. "Tell me, is there any competition for her affections?"   
"She has this sidekick. More like a side brat. Now there's a goodie goodie. You know, I could have disposed of that one a long time ago. Boy I wish I could rewrite history."   
"Killing off one's competition never works."   
"oh yeah?"   
"Yep, it just drives them away even further."   
"What about seducing one's competition? Maybe I could work up a little jealousy angle there and get Xena to fall after me."   
"Tried it. Doesn't work. Both parties see right through the charade. All it does it tick them off even more."   
"Oh, what works then?"   
"You can always wait until the competition dies off, but I guess you don't have that option any more."   
Ares raised his right eyebrow at Methos again.   
"You never did tell me who you were, by the way. I don't remember ever seeing you at Olympus."   
"I try to stay away from places like that. Just not my style you know. Once you've see one home of the gods, you've seen them all. And I sure didn't tell you who I was. Now, lets see. You could always try to outshine the competition. Out due her in random acts of kindness. Now that's worked before."   
"No can do man. I almost broke out in hives when I sacrificed myself for Xena. If I have to perform any more good deeds for these sniveling little mortals I'm sure I'll have a stroke."   
"Tisk, tisk, " murmured Methos. "And I thought you were serious about this woman. Well, its your call buddy. Just thought I'd give you some friendly advise."   
Ares shook his head sadly again. "Hey, have you ever met Xena? I mean, you sound like you've got a good idea about what makes her tick. Do you think I have a real chance? And.... do you think she's worth it?"   
"Nope, never met her. But females are all the same when it comes to matters of the heart. They all want a guy they can trust, one whose pretty honorable and who won't leave them high and dry. It sounds like you broke all those expectations a long time ago. Women have pretty good memories, buddy. If you don't want to take my suggestions, then your best bet is to try looking for some potion that can erase her memory. You know, there's always the option of looking at the other fish in the sea. I hear Aphrodite's still breathing."   
"Aphrodite? Humm, well she's kind of cute. Wait a minute, I can't just change love interests that fast. Do you know how long my feelings for Xena have been stewing inside me. I mean, I may be the god of war but I'm no cad!"   
Methos laughed softly to himself. Yep, poor chap's sunk. I could be nice and try to help distract him. Na, it'll be too much fun watching him pine away for this woman. Let's see.....> "Ares, come walk with me. I think I've got some more ideas on how you can woe Xena. One time I convinced a woman to leave her family for me by......"   
  
  



End file.
